im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
You Might Also Like
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!