No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Cheer up.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella