“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE