The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
is it earth
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.