Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
What if the weather talks about us?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
work smarter, not harder
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM