I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
You Might Also Like
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.