Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.