[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
That’s no pocket rocket.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Meanwhile in Canada…
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Saturday
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
decorating my apartment
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
you’d think eating your young was more filling.