[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.