I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.