Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
You Might Also Like
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
the icebreaker
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Watermelon Boss!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
the Monday after daylight savings
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes