Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.