4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
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“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
But I really needed water water water
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind