Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow