When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Hitlers gonna hitl
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.