Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!