People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Vodka burrito was a success
He took my last fry, your honor
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.