I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”