Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.