Always leave them wanting their money back.
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
#polloftheday
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point