When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable