my nickname in college
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.