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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
my mind
You just read my mind
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING