People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright