Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“i miss shittin on people”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.