Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.