Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor