[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
But wait…
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
the #horror is real!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.