i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Before crowbars crows drank alone
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.