I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Dating isn鈥檛 easy when you鈥檙e married.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
We鈥檙e just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you鈥檙e saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma鈥檃m, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Husband of the year 馃槀
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Matt Goss
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
A great tip. #CakeRex
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Have to write a note to my kid鈥檚 first grade teacher, and now I鈥檓 stressed out about my handwriting
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take four dollars
Wendy鈥檚 Drive thru cashier: That鈥檚 not how the dollar menu works
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you鈥檙e not really asleep
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die