hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Yeah. This was me today.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Wikigenius
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.