thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?