Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow