glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Aight bet
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
an octopus is just a wet spider
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.