I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
when you are just born a rebel
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.