The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
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Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Buying a well is money well spent.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?