I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
plums roundup
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*gets down on one knee*
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”