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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.