Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.