WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
You Might Also Like
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?