“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids