purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
You Might Also Like
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*3.5 thank you very much.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.