Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[eulogy]
line?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
inside you are two wolves
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?