‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
incredible book dedication
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Eat…
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.