The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You Might Also Like
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
i wish we could shoplift online
Me if I was a dog
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo