You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You Might Also Like
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”