I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
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I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*pronounces UPS like yoops
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
he’s doing your taxes
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.