I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
How wrong was this guy?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Bed should get ready for ME
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.