You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.