Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
jesus christ confetti not now
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone